"Ninja" Cartman
Eric Cartman is a major character in the adult-oriented cartoon South Park. This article refers specifically to the version in the episode "Good Times with Weapons". In the South Park episode "Good Times with Weapons", the four main characters purchase ninja weapons at a county fair, after convincing the salesman to let them have them illegally by claiming they are orphans. Surprisingly, the ploy worked, and much of the rest of the episode is shown through the kid's imaginations, in which depicts them "transforming" into ninjas in a parody of "shonen" action anime such as Dragonball Z. Eric Cartman in particular transforms into a ninja version of his usual overweight self, and arms himself with a pair of Sai capable of shooting energy blasts, and "lots and lots of power", much to the annoyance of his friends. Battle vs Rikka Takanashi Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflowsky (or however you spell his name), Eric Cartman, and Kenny McCormick walked through the streets of a residential area of South Park, Colorado, all armed with illegally purchased weapons from that vendor at the county fair. Standing in their path, they spotted a girl in an eyepatch armed with an umbrella. "Hey, get the hell out of our way!", Cartman yelled. Rikka turned to face the four armed children. Clearly they were from the organization, sent to prevent her from reaching the Ethereal Horizon. Rikka spoke the following words: "Reality be rent. Synapse break. Banishment, this world!" At the same time, Rikka removed her eyepatch to reveal her glowing yellow "Tyrant's Eye". Immediately, Rikka's umbrella transformed into massive staff, that she was somehow able to wield in spite of it being larger than she was tall. At the same time, this background music started blaring from no apparent source. Both Rikka and the South Park kids were momentarily distracted by the music, which sounded a parody of a 90's anime opening, complete with bad English. Rikka, however, disregarded the unexpected music, and yelled "Dark Matter Blaze!" in thickly accented English. A massive glowing red ball of energy flew towards the kids, Stan and Kyle jumping out of the way in one direction and Cartman in the other. Kenny, however, was struck by the energy attack, which exploded on impact, vaporizing him instantly. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!", Stan said "You bastards!", Kyle replied. "I'll take care of this bitch!", Cartman said, as he stepped forward. Cartman fired off a powerful blast of fire from his sai, which flew towards Rikka as the background music sang "Hey hey let's go, kenka suru" Rikka easily blocked the blast, before charging forth and striking a low blow with her staff at Cartman. Cartman responded by only barely managing to block the attack, placing his sai over his crotch as the song said "Taisetsu na mono Protect my balls!" Rikka was then forced to jump back to avoid a thrust from Cartman's sai, and left herself open to a lightning blast from both of Cartman's sai. Rikka blocked the attack and drew her Luger and Mauser, firing off the dual pistols at a high rate of fire. Cartman, however, used his super-speed to dodge of block all of the bullets. (Did I mention he had that power, well he does, because Bulrag has lots and lots of powers) This time, Rikka got serious. She raised Schwarzsechs Prototype Mark II and yelled, "Judgement Lucifer!". Rikka's staff fired a stream of flames, which engulfed Cartman and then exploded, blowing him several meters away. Cartman yelled several racial and sexist slurs at Rikka, which had no apparent effect. Rikka yelled "Impulse Max!", and her staff transformed into a cannon, which began charging a massive energy attack. Suddenly, Cartman's hands began to glow, and suddenly, Rikka felt her field of vision drop by several feet. She realized she was now about one foot tall... and that wasn't it.... she didn't have hands... only these wings... and her body was covered in feathers. "What the..." Rikka said, realizing she could still speak, "Have I been hit by a transformation spell?" "Ha Ha Ha Ha, Now you are a chicken!", Cartman said in a sing-song voice. Rikka, however, remembered something... she could still speak... and she had one spell that doesn't fire out of of her staff... Immediately, a magic sigil glowed below Rikka as she yelled "Nergal Blast!". At once, three balls of magical energy flew off and exploded around Cartman, causing him to lose concentration and break the transformation spell. Rikka, now back to her normal self, picked up her staff and prepared to unleash a devastating magical attack when.... She felt a sharp blow strike her on the back of her head. "Rikka!", it was the voice of Rikka's sister, Touka, wielding the ladle she typically uses to punish her little sister, "Don't act delusional in public, and how did you end up in America?!" Cartman laughed at the whole situation, which prompted Touka to turn to him and raise her ladle. "What do you kids think your doing with those weapons!?", Touka said, "Give them to me, I'm going to tell your parents about this!" Cartman backed away, but refused to surrender his sai. Touka rushed forward and struck him across the face with the ladle, knocking both said out of his hand, and then struck the other two kids, knocking their weapons away. "Holy shit, this chick is crazy!", Stan yelled, "Let's get the hell out of here!", as all three of the South Park kids ran from Rikka's psychotic sister. WINNER: Touka Takanashi..... Expert's Opinion Experts were divided on whose delusions were more powerful. However, they were both no match for Touka's distaste for delusional kids.... and her ladle. 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